I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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