She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
