I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
