I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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