wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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