when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
