i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
