I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
