ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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