Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
