I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
