He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
smell my finger.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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