i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
