We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
