And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
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What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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