We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
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the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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