Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
