I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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