im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
