How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
