Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Congratulations! We have a period
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