are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
