I think my fart just growled at me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
