found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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