Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I lost the right to judge tonight
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
