Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
