I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
