I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
