I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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