What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
