Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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