I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
