Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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