i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
