i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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