I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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