Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
