Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
