He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
