DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
