so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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