I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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