Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
