I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
