I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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