Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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