He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
