Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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