Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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