I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
