Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
