non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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