Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
