Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
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Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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