P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
