On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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