Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
