I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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