Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
