Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
