i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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