He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
