hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
